undesired cynicsm.

Cynic. Skeptic. Doubter.

I left Uganda feeling so happy and sure.
And now I have no idea who I am or what I am doing or what I should be doing.

I miss the red dirt and the red hands from scrubbing stains out with omo and the red floors at missionaries homes where we were welcomed like family.

I miss cold showers and rice and beans.

I miss fam girl prayers and food having relational purposes not just to fill the void of the stomach. We were created to eat and need food daily, not so we could enjoy the food but enjoy fellowship regularly. The growling we here from a hollow-empty tummy is a built-in reminder of our need for relationships. And Jesus was the ultimate Relator and offered Himself as the eternal bread and wine that we could ever need.

Call me crazy, but I prefer the long, dusty walks and hot days outside, to the car-driven cold days here which keep us inside.

I want someone to understand. Someone to agree with me. Someone to believe what I do and work together with them to activate change.

I hate arguing and standing alone in what I believe, I just want to agree. But I cannot. I was reminded by a friend from Ghana, West Africa who I saw today in the caf, about community. He remembered me after all these months and that I was going to Uganda. It was a few minutes of home. He was present with me and of course I was the one to bow out (they hint but never make the move; to do so would be rude!). But in talking to him about the differences, the first he said was, “it’s so much more communal-based, huh?!” I was like YES!

I want a church that supports me and knows me and is looking outward with their money instead of inward. One of which I can sing with and know that our hearts are beating, and our hands are clapping, with the hearts of thousands upon thousands of other believers around the world. One that does what it says. And worships the God they sing praises to with actions not just words. Who recognizes that the poor, hungry, prisoners, etc. are Jesus in the flesh (matthew 25).

Many a day I feel like putting my head down and stopping the thoughts. Curling up and escaping this reality that is so unreal to me. Stopping the analyzing and ending the cynicism. To understand and to be what I should be. “Living in the tension” is so much harder than four words sound to be!

All these questions. All this cynicism. Leads me down the road I keep pinching myself for, doubting that all this is true. What if the Bible is wrong? What if God is not real? Deep down I think I know that it is true, but it is still so hard to have faith. I wonder if the Church acted how it should, like Christ’s disciples, if I would have more faith (same with other unbelievers). I want to help the poor and live like the poor and serve others. But I do not want to help the poor, live with the poor, and serve others if I am doing it in vain. It is injust the way that they live. But I want to reach out to them with more hope and more faith myself than just to be a good person. I want to be confirmed in my faith so that I can act in my faith. Am I scared? Faith. Faith. I also come back to this. It is so easy to forget this. I pray that I would gain more of this.

More questions. More concerns. More cynicism. More doubts.

More answers are wanted. More direction is desired.

This is such a random collection of thoughts.

Today in church these were my thoughts:

To say that we are following a god means people are looking at us to see what God is like and who He is. People have other gods: shoes, lovers, work, money, food… and it is evident what they believe and who or what they worship. If they can stand for the god they believe in who is false, why can’t we stand firm and true to the true God who we follow?!

We must be disciples. Examples of the true God! [Are we displaying TRUTH or falsities?]

Matthew 25:31-46 (ESV)
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?' Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

a.janee.

the apartment that doesn't replace home.

this is my apartment where i am now living in. a window into the place my roomies, lori and lauren, temporarily call "home".