from a letter i wrote to USPers.

Greetings USPers!

Thank you for the updating emails that have let me know that what I am remembering and feeling are real, legitimate. Also that I am not alone in still feeling them. I must admit, this last semester, four whole months, flew by extremely quick. And I too got caught in the busyness of school, work, etc. I tried so hard to slow down and have tea times everyday, which lasted for longer than I guess I could have hoped for, but then slowly got lower on my daily priority list. I remember thinking so much during the day, constantly filtering what I was being told with our time in Uganda and ending up with a headache. A confusing, unsure, frustrated, “tension” headache. All I wanted to do was lay down and hopefully shut off my mind, and wake up clear-headed. Haha. That didn’t exactly happen. Maybe I should have let myself do what I wanted to so badly, and what kimber articulated so well in her monologue: rock back and forth, to shake the confusion and release the tensions that were building up inside me.

Truthfully it wasn’t all bad, it was actually a whole lot better then I imagined it to ever be. My roommates and I got along really well, which I was surprised and blessed by. And I made a new friend who really was a friend. She felt what I did at times and questioned almost everything along with me. The best blessing though was a new church (a CRC one I found after our reunion at calvin) close enough for me to bike too, and found just at the point when I was about to through in the towel on Christianity. It was sweet to be part of a community outside of my “private-school bubble.”

But I guess overall at school I felt lonely, odd, and misunderstood. Similar to steph, people quickly readjusted to their lives and Uganda was somehow lost in the shuffle of life, school, work, meetings, one-on-ones… Not only did others forget about it, but I even had a hard time grasping it. I wanted so deeply to find people who cared, a community like USP who cared about others, the body of Christ in action! And overall to feel like I had purpose, like in Uganda. “I am because we are” or “I participate therefore I am” wasn’t so easily identifiable. All the tension between the social gospel and the theological gospel is a whole lot harder to reconcile when you have shifted more toward the social side but then lack a “society” or community to act with.

Looking back on the semester, I would say I adjusted to being home a lot better than I feared and imagined it would be during debrief. I have thought a lot about what we learned in Uganda, and tried to put as much of it into action as I could. I am really interested in community development now, and am looking in to grad schools or programs for the spring. So if anyone knows of a good school or opportunity let me know! J

Now its summer and I have moved back home in nor cal. It’s beautiful here, and warm. I am hopefully going to be volunteering at a community center in a rougher area of my city and working a job somewhere. But I have also left that church that I love and my new friends at school, so AGAIN I have transitioned and crave a community again. I remember what kimber’s brother told her about leaving Uganda, “Uganda is like the rest of your life.” Transitions really are constant! A lot of my questions that I came to Uganda with are still even more so on my mind. And when the questions have to do with the foundation that you have always based your life on: Jesus Christ and God and purpose, it can be dehabilitating. I definitely don’t have all the answers still, but I am seeking truth and trying to live faithfully without them.

Today I am remembering Uganda more than I have since I got back I think. I am listening to Sufjan and just watched the debrief dvd (thanks seth). I ate rice and beans, and missed posho with top-up sauce. I walked to a coffee shop this morning and felt like I was journeying to Kampala, but missed the red dirt and even the kids shouting mzungu. I miss my Mukono family and I miss all of you. When I was there and with you, I felt like I was a part of something. Something that made all my questions of faith and God fade. Something bigger than myself. And something that I think very much was truth, whatever that means. Thank you for all being you and a part of my life!!

Love,

Aimee

Ps. Thank you kimber for forwarding all the emails to me, I think I somehow got taken off the list. AND sorry that as I reread what I wrote it was really scattered and long… hope it reminds someone of Uganda somehow. Nice time!

ridgecrest with ali.

i love my grandparents

a humble dinner.

i met this guy on my way to the grocery store a few weeks ago. he was sitting outside his place and i had a quick conversation with him. on my weekly walks to stater bros and back, and on my ride to church i have seen him at least once a week. he calls me "hun," and we talk about everything from rattle snakes to fishing to salsa. i really like being in the community (outside of a car) because nothing dull ever happens on any of my "trips through town". i loving knowing my community and being a part of my community and building relationships in my community. it really makes me gleefully smile every time i leave my bubble-school-world.

so, yesterday afternoon i decided that since i wasn't going to go to the grocery store i still wanted to be consistent in seeing stanely every friday, so i set out to his place: the villas nursing home. stanley is 84 and genuine. from the first time i met him and the second time he remembered me i was so glad that i walked to the grocery store. :) i found him inside this time. usually he is always enjoying the outdoors, but this time he was watching tv inside. we talked for awhile and then his dinner was served. he asked with genuine excitement if i wanted to join him, so of course i agreed! he offered me one of his sandwiches and we enjoyed his simple tray of food. i cannot tell you what kind of sandwich it was... ham/spam/crab... who knows, but i do know that it was offered in genuine hospitality and love, so it was wonderful! washed down with orange hi-c and pears were also great. it was one of the best dinners i have had since being back in the states because it was the epitome of hospitality: offering everything he had with open hands and not having an agenda to meet.

"a visitor is not an intruder."
in uganda and surprisingly down the street too.
who knew?!
the breaching of two worlds. two world views.
life in the tension. united.
thanks stanley!

numerous simple blessings: joy.

I am enjoying a warm health nut muffin,
which my mom sent me the ingredients for to bake here.
Amazing how simple blessings come.
And I have yet three more to share.
One blessing is actually a mix of blessings rolled into one,
all situated in the Midwest.

Thankfully I was able to complete my flight from SoCal to blustery Chicago (blessing because lots of flights were being canceled and delayed!),
where I met some girls in Uganda with me.
We safely made our journey to Grand Rapids, Michigan,
where shrieks and laughter filled the foyer of the chapel at Calvin College,
as we embraced others from Uganda,
and for me that included my roommate, Kimber (blessing number two).

Sitting in a beautiful chapel.
I look to my left and to my right and see friends. family. usp.

Shhhshing only lasted for those few minutes we were causing a noticeable raucous,
because for the whole weekend we talked and laughed and reminisced.
And enjoyed tea.
Tea. Tea. Tea.
Somehow I like tea a whole lot more when I am sharing it with a friend.
Sugar and company: two necessary ingredients to a good, warm cup of tea.
To give you a picture of how much tea I had, one day I calculated 40oz,
all of which held the two ingredients so it was worthy!

The fam girls reunite.
The snow is blowing.
Hot steamy roobios tea ties the two as one.
Like a highlighted night in Uganda “babysitting” two of the cutest British-accented children. In a home warm with red floors and East African artifacts!
Both seeped in love.
Love reunited.

While we were at Calvin College, we attended the Faith and International Development Conference, which was so encouraging.
I was introduced once again to this idea of sustainability and development (ie. Long term commitment to using the assets that a community already has to empower them (not “save” them)).
This idea is versus relief, which is a short-term aid that does good for extreme situations, but which can also cause dependency if it lasts too long!
I am so interested in this idea. it has really made me wonder what mindset short-term missions people are going with, and what I went with, and how/ if I will return.

The overall community of people there were so encouraging.
Recycling was encouraged!
Plastic mugs were distributed for use during the conference (and beyond)!
Social justice issues were addressed.
Eclectic-dread wearing-artistic-creative-hippies.
And there was tea time!
And snow!!

Quaint. Classic. Victorian.
The Midwest.
White. Blustery. Pure.
In wintertime.
Mittens. Long johns. Earmuffs.
Warmth within the cold.

[culture shock phase one: honeymoon: some may say]

When the theme of the conference was addressed, kimber glanced over at me…
…. It was from John 15: abide.
This verse pops up everywhere it seems.
John 15:5 “Apart from Me you can do nothing.”
This seems to be where I come back to often.
It has been so hard for me to combine the two worldviews as one, and integrate the faith is shown through action while keeping with saved by grace.
But as one speaker pointed out, God was the first Developer and Sustainer!!
SO, we must love because we were loved,
We must promote reconciliation because were reconciled to God through Jesus,
And therefore because peace, reconciliation, and love were shown to us that must be the reason we [i] do these things also.
God, may I act out of faith and assurance in my salvation!!

as we abide in Christ
we are part of the same Vine
and have the same Gardener.

Coming back to CBU after the Midwest has been a struggle,
Frustrations about no recycling and no community and wanting it to be like Calvin or with USP was paralyzing at times. No one seemed to understand. Or care.
But now I come to blessing number three.

Today I biked to Hope Community Church (a CRC church) that I had found on the internet.
Aside from the blessing of biking through my community and waving to Stanley as I passed by him, the church is now going to be my home.
I walked in and was greeted warmly.
And then met Mary Jo.
Mary Jo invited me to sit with her, passed me a mint, and introduced me to all her friends. People asked her who I was and she went out of her way to introduce me.
I was glowing I am sure.
I was pleased as a bee.
Grinning from ear to ear.
Overwhelmed by the blessing of community. [In my community too]
Then we talked about GEMS, a young girls program and I start next Tuesday.
I am going to dinner at her house the night before.
And the young adult leader invited me over anytime, and told me about Tuesday night Bible study with college students.
We had lunch after and I talked with the pastor, who remembered my name after!!
It was wonderful.
The ride back I was ecstatic with blessings.
It’s amazing how simple blessings come.
And light up a life!

I continue to live in the tension.
The tension of listening to my mind and my heart.
The tension of wanting to be so many places and being here.
The tension of faith and action.
But these blessings seem to make the light at the end of the tunnel feel nearer.

“It’s the Joshua tree's struggle,
That gives it its beauty.”
[the glass house, walls pg 38]

undesired cynicsm.

Cynic. Skeptic. Doubter.

I left Uganda feeling so happy and sure.
And now I have no idea who I am or what I am doing or what I should be doing.

I miss the red dirt and the red hands from scrubbing stains out with omo and the red floors at missionaries homes where we were welcomed like family.

I miss cold showers and rice and beans.

I miss fam girl prayers and food having relational purposes not just to fill the void of the stomach. We were created to eat and need food daily, not so we could enjoy the food but enjoy fellowship regularly. The growling we here from a hollow-empty tummy is a built-in reminder of our need for relationships. And Jesus was the ultimate Relator and offered Himself as the eternal bread and wine that we could ever need.

Call me crazy, but I prefer the long, dusty walks and hot days outside, to the car-driven cold days here which keep us inside.

I want someone to understand. Someone to agree with me. Someone to believe what I do and work together with them to activate change.

I hate arguing and standing alone in what I believe, I just want to agree. But I cannot. I was reminded by a friend from Ghana, West Africa who I saw today in the caf, about community. He remembered me after all these months and that I was going to Uganda. It was a few minutes of home. He was present with me and of course I was the one to bow out (they hint but never make the move; to do so would be rude!). But in talking to him about the differences, the first he said was, “it’s so much more communal-based, huh?!” I was like YES!

I want a church that supports me and knows me and is looking outward with their money instead of inward. One of which I can sing with and know that our hearts are beating, and our hands are clapping, with the hearts of thousands upon thousands of other believers around the world. One that does what it says. And worships the God they sing praises to with actions not just words. Who recognizes that the poor, hungry, prisoners, etc. are Jesus in the flesh (matthew 25).

Many a day I feel like putting my head down and stopping the thoughts. Curling up and escaping this reality that is so unreal to me. Stopping the analyzing and ending the cynicism. To understand and to be what I should be. “Living in the tension” is so much harder than four words sound to be!

All these questions. All this cynicism. Leads me down the road I keep pinching myself for, doubting that all this is true. What if the Bible is wrong? What if God is not real? Deep down I think I know that it is true, but it is still so hard to have faith. I wonder if the Church acted how it should, like Christ’s disciples, if I would have more faith (same with other unbelievers). I want to help the poor and live like the poor and serve others. But I do not want to help the poor, live with the poor, and serve others if I am doing it in vain. It is injust the way that they live. But I want to reach out to them with more hope and more faith myself than just to be a good person. I want to be confirmed in my faith so that I can act in my faith. Am I scared? Faith. Faith. I also come back to this. It is so easy to forget this. I pray that I would gain more of this.

More questions. More concerns. More cynicism. More doubts.

More answers are wanted. More direction is desired.

This is such a random collection of thoughts.

Today in church these were my thoughts:

To say that we are following a god means people are looking at us to see what God is like and who He is. People have other gods: shoes, lovers, work, money, food… and it is evident what they believe and who or what they worship. If they can stand for the god they believe in who is false, why can’t we stand firm and true to the true God who we follow?!

We must be disciples. Examples of the true God! [Are we displaying TRUTH or falsities?]

Matthew 25:31-46 (ESV)
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?' Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

a.janee.

the apartment that doesn't replace home.

this is my apartment where i am now living in. a window into the place my roomies, lori and lauren, temporarily call "home".