the apartment that doesn't replace home.

this is my apartment where i am now living in. a window into the place my roomies, lori and lauren, temporarily call "home".

back to cbu.

well, in one month I have moved from simple, warm, beautiful Uganda, to stormy and cold, yet comfortable home, to an apartment in southern California with two girls I somehow know. I guess I can adapt well because I seem to be able to adapt to this culture, like I was able to adapt to Ugandan culture. I am definitely always thinking of Uganda, maybe even subconsciously now that I think of it. Wondering what patu would think if he was with me in the cafeteria? Or why we needed to buy a plastic bag holder? Or why in the world there is such poverty yet such wealth? And saddened by the reality that people may not know the stark difference, but also that it exists just around the corner.

The minute I walked into my apartment I loved it! The colors are brown, which I love. And it is spacious and yet cozy. I set up the two suitcases or so of stuff I had brought and have since had several interactions with friends that I truly loved. Like a walk around the block, and a long lunch, and a couch convo. They have all been awesome, and I am astounded by the depth to which these people care about me. And the questions and interest they have in knowing how I am and how Ugandan is and was. It too was more welcoming than imagined.

I am excited to live life. Slow down. And appreciate everything I have been blessed with. I have a new profound appreciation for words, classic novels and movies, music, and even the theatre. Dan Haseltine, a Jars of Clay band member, said something I love and is so true: “an artist [is] a prophet to a world full of busy and important people who need the ‘Cliff Notes’ version of how the world is how it could be.”

It is strange though to always be cold. And to never be outside. And walk into a building and know that it will be warm. And not have a bird fly into the classroom. Or see geckos on my walls at night. Or not have to move my chair into the classroom. And to have more food choices than I can fathom. But I love riding to class on my roomies handle bars and have made a real effort to put people first and value convos and be present. It has been good.

To the question, are you happy to be back, I respond that I loved it there and would have been fine staying and would take the next flight over if I could. But that I recognize all good things must come to an end. And that I am here now, so I am going to be.

a.janee.

a reverse culture shocked Christmas with more love than i could have hoped for.

On my final flight home from Uganda, I had no idea how my friends or family would react to me or how I would be anymore. I was scared and excited and anxious all at the same time. I pity the guy sitting next to me on that flight from dallas to sacramento, I was so bored and jittery and talkative after all the hours floating in the sky.

But when I got off the plane I was welcomed with more love than I imagined. My mom cried of course, but she warned me and of course she would, her baby was home! And they were holding up a welcome home sign. And a few friends were there with flowers and my bf sarah had sent a bag of trader joes goodies too. It was wonderful. Leaving the airport I suddenly felt freezing cold. And looking back on that return to the American reality, it was strange. The streets were so smooth and the car was so spacious and comfortable. My house was the same, plus the welcome home signs- big and nicely decorated.

Church was weird, I never realized how much I appreciated the high church setting in the Anglican church in Uganda. But I miss it. I love the liturgy and the open buildings and the community. The Christmas service was a choir presentation and I was leery of the invitation to prayer the sinners prayer at the conclusion. I was wondering where the follow-up to these people would be and where the relationships with these people are and most importantly whether these people know that being a follower of Christ is not a walk through the park. It is not the happy choir songs, the warm spacious building or the purple comfy chairs. It is not just a prayer, there is action!! To tell you the truth I didn’t close me eyes.

Then the lame picture thing, I have decided that another cause of stress is computers and pictures. They are headache inducers hands-down. And I don’t really know if I like them. But after we got that squared away, my family loaded up the car and drove to my grandparents home for a big family Christmas gathering. It was good for the most part. But culture shock was definitely recognizable. In Uganda time is relationship-oriented, not efficiency-oriented like it is here in the states. And meals are the central part of the day, they are appreciated. So it was awfully disappointing to walk in a few minutes late to our traditional Christmas eve service and realize that everyone had prayed and eaten, or were already finished. I was like whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. Bummer. I was disappointed, but my parents were understanding and didn’t let it go again. I still recognized and recognize a desire to make a fast meal, eat is quickly, and clean it all speedily. I wonder, why the hurry. What’s the rush? What could be possibly more important or a better use of our time? Its bizarre and unloved by me. I just want people to appreciate time and people and the food they are given, and for me to do the same more!

My mommy and my bf sarah planned a welcome home party, which at first was an overwhelming idea, but turned out to be a blessing. We served some African food that I would have a lot or that was significant to me somehow, and over thirty people came. I did a brief presentation and answered some questions. It was overall pleasant to see that people genuinely cared about me and my trip, and were willing to share a listening ear to my stories.

Leaving home was one of those things I wish I didn’t have to do again, especially so soon. I had somehow planned to stay home this semester, but realized that for one, I had to make the decision and believe that God wouldn’t smite me for my choice, and two, that I needed to return to the “real world” and rekindle relationships I had left behind. So after some wet tears and a little fear I took yet another plane to so cal, where the air is still as freezing cold as home.

Thanks to everyone who kept up on my blog (I felt honored and loved that so many people told me upon seeing them that they had read some or all of my blog). And for supporting me and encouraging me, and genuinely happy to see me and hear stories! :)

(and the code word that my friends created for me to say just in case I felt overcrowded or overwhelmed was such a simple yet profound sign that they cared and were there for me!)

a.janee.

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uganda day was one of my favorite moments at home.
my family was so encouraging and good sports to all that i put them through!

final blog from uganda.

“I am sitting on green grass in the back corner of the compound of a gorgeous convent in Uganda. The sounds of the mingling of bird harmonies almost drowns out the singing voices coming from a church service. Reflecting back on this semester encompasses SO much.” Here is a glimpse of what I experienced, from a journal entry during debrief:

So much has changed since the beginning of my journal until today. So many things have happened, so many questions have been asked (with some answers), and in so many ways I have been challenged.

The biggest impact has been understanding more fully that Jesus came to restore relationships. Not only between us and God, by His death the curtain was torn around the Most Holy Place in the temple. But also He has existed in relationships with people, not focusing on efficiency but faithfulness. Not bothered by interruptions and moved by compassion to be with the suffering, not only to heal them. He transcends culture and meets everyone where they are. He was present with us and He calls us to abide (stay with Him) with Him. Jesus did NOT come to restore relationships with a new set of rules, but to enter into fellowship with us and show us the way to be His disciples. He existed in all our suffering and loved us first, so we could love others, show compassion to them, and be present with them. It is not about earning salvation, but walking by faith in belief that who He is and what He calls us to is true. Belief is expressed in action (James 2, 1 John 3:18). Nothing we do can be our own doing or our own good works because it is in Christ and His power in that that they glorify Him.

Another important lesson is that belief is acted out. Jesus said, “Come, Follow me” and “I am the WAY, the truth, and the life.” It is not merely a cozy understanding that you get to go to heaven for saying God is God, but how your life would change if you really believed that God is God. Priorities. Values. Ethics. Money. Time. These would all shift! Saying versus actions shows the depth of your belief (James 2). Simple living and mere discipleship- both extremely challenging to me and I wonder what my response should be. How should my life change?

“if you wish the world to believe what you say,
you must live as if you believe what you say.”
-camp 189.

This has been the most challenging concept. What do my actions, my priorities, my time say that I believe? My desire and hope is that I value people and relationships over efficiency, consumerism, and piety. That I can love others with a love that God showed me in Christ, by humility, presence (not multi-tasking, but allowing for interruptions; listening before talking), not judging and not letting fear or hurt or sinning paralyze me from committing to love. “love is the willingness to hurt.” We see this in the hands of Christ. Jesus is the model by which we live. He is faithful, I want to be a faithful witness not driven by the ends or the telos, but driven by the means, the praxis, the way - discipleship.

The ends versus means, savior versus disciple reminds me of another important lesson I have learned while being here: Jesus saves I don’t. Africa is not a hopeless continent that needs pity from others. Jesus transcends culture. My calling is not to have an ingenious solution to Africa’s problem and give them the handout. But to be faithful to the bottom-up, grass root ways that I can impact individual people, build relationships, show love, help development. This shatters the western implied mindset that I came with; that I would change the world and save the children in Africa. Its been humbling AND freeing not to have the pressure to solve poverty or hunger, and to rest in the presence of Christ and seek to be faithful witnesses. This does not mean I believe in ignoring the problem or spiritualizing the problem, but accepting that I am only an instrument, not the Doctor. I pray that God will use me to alleviate poverty or hunger, but it is not my focus at all costs. But if God places me in a situation or asks me to do something, than I am willing to go and obey.

Simple living is another way that I hope not to be stagnant in my faith or concern for others. This is a broad issue but a challenging one. Living simply and also helping others to live simply. I commit to washing dishes by hand and not using the dryer (if possible). Eating a simpler diet. Being appreciative of the food I am given and not being prideful, selfish or picky with what I am served. To practice hospitality by offering tea and crackers or biscuits. Helping my family around the house. Being creatively mindful of waste. While balancing this with a good meal once a week or so (the Bible emphasizes feasts!). also cleaning out my clothes and focusing on quality NOT quantity. Along with saving money, giving the money to an organization I believe is holistic and sustainable. Riding public transport or my bike at least once a week. Looking into a budget based on the poverty line or graduated tithing (some budget for sure!). and overall being mindful of consumerism and materialism, asking myself the motive for a photo, an experience, or a purchase. I believe that the West, myself included, is anxious because of the choices and the amount of things we have (and the value we place on them). Living without making decisions has really made my life simpler this semester. Choices I have had: dry tea or milk tea, posho or rice (and amount), what I will wear. The anxiety I had in shopping for gifts is a testament that choices and decisions are an unnecessary distraction. Reentering a culture that has five decisions surrounding a single cup of coffee will be overwhelming for me. This is not about legalism (notice my leniency and undefined word usage), but about stewardship and the Bible’s rampant littering of verses about the poor and giving to those in need.

I anticipate it being hard to not seem condescending to others about their lifestyles, so I am reminding myself of one, how much I hate feeling guilty and condescended upon; and two, that I had an experience that only forty-five other people had. So it is impossible for me to believe they will have changed or be convicted like me. Abby Bartels once told me, “Guilt is general, conviction is specific.”

I am excited to put into practice what I have learned about hospitality from Ugandans. To eat rice and beans, with veggies of course too. To make my family dinner. And implement tea time into my afternoon or morning. And the idea of sharing sugar over tea with others. I am excited to invest in relationships with my family. To live life, not be a rat running in a race. This semester has opened my mind to the importance of commitment and to embracing Christians and non-Christians – not feeling impurity or sin because recognizing that I am in a relationship with God and thus manifest relationships with others. He is more concerned with my faithfulness and committed actions, abiding, and presence, then completing a list of requirements or rules. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Love God, Sin Big.”

Questions I am leaving this semester with still unanswered are:
. will I go back to school or stay at home?
. faith versus belief, and if both require action? (is action required to be saved…?)
. how can I live out and remember what I have learned and stay changed?

Africa is a beautiful place that blew away all my assumptions and expectations. The reality of the world is poverty, but not everyone lives in a hut, are destitute, and/or need globs of money. Sustained commitment and development can help. “Mzungus” have infiltrated culture and old traditions are ending, with westernization rising. “bye mzungu bye.”

Bye mzungu. Bye.

Bye mzungu. Bye.

A topless girl with a ripped skirt says as I pass.

Bye mzungu. Bye.

A trailing potbelly boy yells exuberantly from behind me.

Bye mzungu. Bye.

A chorus of uniformed school children yell from the schoolyard as I walk by.

Bye mzungu. Bye.

No sweetie, it’s “hi,” I try to tell them.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

They all chant in unison.

Pass by again: bye mzungu bye.

Ma’am why don’t they say “hi.”

I inquire aloud.

“They are saying bye as you pass,” she replies.

Pass.

To pass is to see, but not stop.

Do they only know mzungus as passing by?

Do we show them bye.

So they rightly respond with a blatant, verbal bye.

Can we really see poverty and suffering and not stop to help?

To be present.

To life like they do. And build relationships.

To commit.

We might not admit to knowing the answer.

But the kids seem to:

“Bye mzungu. Bye.”

may i never just pass by or let this semester pass me by.

a.janee.

a compilation of pictures from the entire semester.

i love uganda. part one.

i love uganda. part two.

freezing in amsterdam.

my new do.

This past week has been an intense one, but also not quite very eventful. Sorry for the lacking blog posts, but I do now have news worth noting!

Exams and coursework are coming to an end. In the terms my Ugandan peers use, we are “revising” for a “paper” (which somehow translates to mean studying for exams???). Exams here are a really REALLY big deal. They are worth 50% of your mark and require sitting for a three hour “paper.” I had one on Wednesday, World Views, and I could equate it to the SAT’s in a way. Everyone has to have two ids to enter, and only a pen, key and those cards were allowed. People are scattered throughout the room and the exam booklets and tests are distributed. The proctor (not the teacher), even says the
fun”-yet-stressful “you are remaining with 38 minutes!” It was a tiresome three hours, but I am glad its over! Since then I have finished a term project and am preparing to do one more exam on Tuesday and two more courseworks.

It absolutely blows my mind to think that in less than two weeks I will be back in my house, in my bed, with my family, hot showers, and apples… I have missed these things in time, (my family more than that!) but feel also as if this is all I have ever known. Leaving a nearly four month journey behind will be difficult, yet there is joy in seeing friends and FAMILY!

Okay, so now for the title of the blog to manifest into details. Today I sat for nearly ten hours getting my hair plaited with long twists. My dear friend Emmah, who I met on the swings at the beginning of the term (kindred spirits from the start!) was gracious enough to spend her entire day twisting and twisting my hair. I left my room around eight fifteen in the morning and after getting the extensions, with eating lunch, scarcely-short breaks, and visiting afterward, I returned at nearly eight to campus. I-yi-yie! A very long day. But it was “sweet” to hang out with her and her cousin, in their hostel (apartment/room). So now I have long, about at my heart-length, chestnut brown hair that is in small twists. Good news: I don’t have to wash it for awhile, and I can return home with a new do. Bad news: I fear taking it out because of how much hair is supposedly normally lost. (I kinda freaked at some points thinking about it today- I had lots of time to think- but whatev!) It was amazing to me how long it took and how short it will really stay in… like two weeks maybe. A whole day for two weeks of cool hair!? I think this is a once-a-lifetime event. But I like it and had lots of fun.

About Emmah: she is a Kenyan studying in a pre-year term, which is kinda like senior year high school mixed with a freshman in junior college. She went to beauty school, so is a professional, and wants to study social work. She loves reading and watching movies. And popcorn! She is “sweet!” She even gave me a gift tonight which is so selfless and gracious: this really cute dress that she had, which I guess I commented on a few times that she looked “smart” in it. It’s really convicting and amazing to see people give of what they have in such generous ways. I wish that I could somehow be the same!

Now I am sitting in the dark with a few tea lights glowing next to me. I think I will miss the calmness that comes with a blackout (when I don’t have a paper due the next day that is!). I am leaving this semester soon behind, and am not sure quite how to understand it all. Yesterday in Kampala this guy asked me where I would be in ten years, and honestly I had (and still have not) a clue. If I came with questions, I am leaving with at least the same number. Although in different things. I have learned a lot about Jesus and my faith, but what I am going to do about it all remains the big question. I am looking forward to debrief, where hopefully I can sort out some of this, at least a slice of it!

Last week. Farewells. Hi to mom and alli. Finish exams and courseworks. Friend time. Hmm.